(This will be my third and last consecutive post on the subject of my nani’s passing. Previous two are available here and here.)
I guess I may have a tiny regret — over the last two or three years, I barely called nani on the phone; I wish I had come up with a solution to the root of avoidance sooner than two days before her passing.
It is accurate to say that I was in love with my nani, yet I avoided calling her the past few years because of a fork in the road of desires and goals. I was choosing a path unfamiliar to her and me alike. And although I felt a deep-knowing that everything would work out fine, I could never find the words to describe this deep-knowing to comfort her. In my naivity, I chose the path of avoidance / talking infrequently. Seeing her in-person triggered me to come up with a solution.
Although I did not get an opportunity to discuss this solution with my dear nani, I am implementing it in other relationships. There are other individuals who I love but avoid because of certain topics that I find uncomfortable. I have resolved to lesser the gap between my feelings and actions. Positive feelings. Not taking action on any negative feelings now ;)
I cannot rate on my experience of this yet. It’s still new. The habit is still in the making. I can, however, comment on the degree of alignment between my heart and mind, which I also call the level of committment — high, certain, determined; in a very balanced and grounded way. My mind understands it is a process that will require time and effort. My heart is now aware of how this will enhance my happiness and enrich my life. And so, I’m neither in a rush nor attracted to flakiness. Just warmly embracing this new resolution.
If I may positively comment on my own growth, I think I may be becoming a better human being in the process. Facing vicissitudes versus avoiding discomfort is a good skill to have. I am learning and practicing to speak my current truth with dignity for myself and respect for the other person. Always choosing dialogue and communication, even in discomfort, versus avoidance and long periods of no communication. I am facing the world, not looking away from it.
My oh my, it’s such a relief! I also feel a reduction in stress levels.
Needless to say, I wouldn’t be here without Vipassana.
